This post may contain affiliate links; by clicking on and buying through these links I will earn a small commission, at no extra cost to you: helping me to keep Blind Girl Adventures running.
Since a young girl I have always wanted to be a teacher, life became a bit of a rollercoaster and although I’m not a mainstream teacher in a literal sense; I still see myself as an educator, exploring disability confidence and helping others to be aware and not afraid of our perceived differences and capabilities.
As a freelancer my week is wildly unpredictable, sometimes I’m just hunkered down at home writing, editing and promoting and others I am up and down the UK doing talks, interviews projects and campaigns.
The busier I am, the happier I am, but what I fail to share online is the reality of my chronic illness and exhaustion that comes along with all of this. It’s not because I’m not wanting to be truthful but it is hard to find the words to express the intensity of pain, the level of fatigue and sense of los I feel when I have to stop.
Although I have a fantastic support network, and, Grant literally picks up the slack, in everything, when I inevitably drop all the balls I’m juggling, by the time I’ve recovered and I’m back on my feet; I want to hit the ground running again and not “waste more energy “on explaining why I’ve been absent or quiet.
I’ve spent the last 3 weeks going here there and everywhere working my ass off and throwing myself into activities, adventures and networking opportunities. Unfortunately for me though, this weekend just passed, my body hit the brakes and shocked me into submission. I could tell I was pushing a little too hard because throughout the week my body was aching, I had ulcers and some weird summer cold that had nothing to do with the weather or my allergies.
On Friday, the 16th of August I had an accidental injury: I was violently elbowed in the head as I was making my way through Oxford Circus station. By the time I got on the train home, my head was pounding, my sinuses were throbbing and my joints were in agony.
When I clambered through the front door I put the heating on, got changed into winter pyjamas, crawled under my blanket on the sofa and I was still uncontrollably shivering. My gorgeous friend Rebekah was amazing and supplied me with cups of honey tea and a hot water bottle.
It took me 2 hours to start to feel warm again, but during that entire time, the pain I was in was quite literally unbearable. I honestly haven’t experienced pain like this in years: I could feel my bones pressing against my skin and it felt like someone was crushing them together with a hot iron.
On the Saturday I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I had to be up and out the door early for, although I knew I would regret it if I didn’t attend I was extremely nauseous, the pain in my head had intensified, and the severity and intensity of my joints and muscles made it almost impossible for me to walk.
I almost cancelled.
I’m not a quitter but I was broken and defeated. It was Rebekah‘s enthusiasm and encouragement that reminded me I needed to put my game face on.
I went. I didn’t feelparticularly great but I met some awesome people! I can’t tell you any more right now because it’s a big secret, but I promise I will tell you soon!
Sunday was the one day I had to myself, I wasn’t busy or hosting, Grant wasn’t working and the work I needed to do could be pushed aside. I spent the entire Sunday in bed. Yes the entire day. Hot water bottles, numerous pints of tea, our king-sized memory foam mattress and grant for snuggles and company made the day seem almost perfect; if it weren’t for The excruciating fire that ran through my body from head to toe. Grant, my saviour as always, not only waited on me hand and foot but massaged me whilst I screamed in agony: to help relieve some of the tension.
It’s now Tuesday the 20th as I’m writing this and after visiting the doctor, confirming I had mild concussion but with no obvious signs of trauma or injury thanks to clumsy cretins and their pointy elbows. I’m slowly starting to feel human again, I can now wear clothes or lie in bed without the weight terrorising my skin. It doesn’t take me over two minutes to walk from my couch to my kitchen (no more than 14 feet away) and I can actually laugh and cough without feeling someone is taking an axe to the back of my head.
Even though this was an extreme pain scale for me, I wanted to give you a snapshot of how drastically unbearable things can get, and aside from accessibility issues – I’m looking at you Instagram and Pinterest – It’s why I’m not online every day, updating you with what I’m doing or what projects I’ve got going on, because the reality is most of the time I don’t have the energy to do it.
It’s the same reason why I have over 150 blog posts sitting half written, pictures and videos dating back from last year that still haven’t been uploaded and tons of ideas for projects and campaigns I would love to get the ball rolling with but I just can’t find the motivation or time to do so.
Being self-employed means I have to continuously produce content that is not only useful to my audience but showcases to my clients why I’m a good fit and why we should work together. I’m only one person and although Grant is fantastic with helping me edit or upload, especially if it’s paid work that needs to be executed on time, He has his own job, his own hobbies and he needs time to himself. My chronic illness and my blindness prevent me from being as productive as I would like and sometimes that’s the reality of life, no matter how much you want to work or how hard you push yourself, having a disability is always going to create obstacles that leave you exhausted and frustrated.
I wouldn’t change my career for anything, I love to travel, educate, and entertain: it’s giving me opportunities I never could’ve dreamt of, I’ve met and become friends with my idols, and everyday it’s giving me experiences that have not only enhanced my life but through sharing; it hopefully makes an impact on others too.
And I guess what I’m trying to say is this is my reality, my real behind-the-scenes, it’s something I’ve planned to talk about and even vlog about for a very long time. But a few things have held me back. Not just the pain and the fatigue of finding the right words and putting it across effectively, when people read my blog for education, finding information, and reassuring them that they are not alone in how they are thinking and feeling – would this be the content they actually want to read or watch? I was worried that these posts would be talking too much about me, laying the thick blanket of negativity, and making you think twice as to why you’re reading this or subscribed to me in the first place?
This is me. My reality, my real behind-the-scenes. And I hope it’s shone a light on why I’m inconsistent at best and absolutely atrocious at replying to comments on here and on social media.
If you got this far, thank you for reading, thank you for always supporting me and cheering me on, Sharing my content, leaving me comments and reminded me that we are always stronger together 💜
I’d love it if you could leave me a comment below telling me how long you’ve been reading this blog, what made you read my content in the first place and what makes you keep coming back for more?
I am on social media too, I’m always reading even if I can’t reply straight away, so please connect with me there, I promise I do get back to you, it just might take me a little while!
Twitter
Much love,
Sassy x
as you asked so nicely, it would be rude for us not to respond.
honestly one of the main reasons i read your blogs were due to them being about disability and in vision impairment. And for how long i have been following you, well i can’t say. as i have a tendeacy to switch from blogs, to music, to books and vice versa.
but yeah, your blogs are full of great questions and answers. And the Q&A series that you have done is amazing.
So keep up the good work. x
Hey!
Thanks so much for replying. I know what you mean; i’m Exactly the same,going through phases of reading blogs and switching to other things like podcasts, YouTube and audiobooks.
It’s great to hear you really like the #DisabilityQ&A – i’m Actually bringing it back soon as i’ve Got new people on board who want to take part!
Thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to leave me comments! Xxx
As I read this my head ached in sympathy. I’m just enough older to say, next time call the doctor! Let me add to that, Please. Yours was one of the first blogs I started reading, maybe 5 years ago, and sooner or later I read all of them. I think what I like the most is You. I was looking for information and found that and a great deal more. I gain the most when you write about yourself and your life. Daily living when you can’t see what’s around you, going from place to place, going out to eat, holiday adventures and misadventures. Losing sight is lonely. Chronic illness is hard. Thank you for bring there, and inconsistent is fine! I hope your head feels better.
Thanks for the sympathy George. Unfortunately my doctors aren’t open on the weekend and I knew within myself that it wasn’t serious enough to go to A&E and waste their time. Thankfully my concussion only lasted 5 days, so i’m back to normal now! 🙂
You definitely are one of my longest readers George, I’m super grateful you’ve stuck with me this long! It’s also great that you are now writing your own blog as I love reading about your adventures and your thoughts.
It’s interesting to me to hear that you’ve practically read my entire blog but not only that but what is is in particular you prefer to read. I certainly have a mash up of content don’t i?
Much love to you and Sandy xxx
Loved meeting you and Grant at Traverse this year. Hope you feel better soon Darren & Rebecca
It was so great meeting you guys at Traverse!You gave me great food for thought and it was awesome to learn from you both and how you travel.
Are you going to Boarderless? 🙂 xxx
Hey Sassy,
I am so sorry you were having a hard time. I hope you feel better soon. I’ve been reading your content since 2018. I keep coming back because you provide amazing content.
I look up to you, Sassy. We have something in common, I wanted to be a teacher when I was younger. I ended up getting my journalism degree in 2013. I am now on the path of becoming a freelance journalist. If you can make, it despite your vision loss, then I can too.
Thank you Amanda,
That’s really kind of you to say. I’m glad that you find the content worthwhile, if there’s a topic I haven’t covered but you think it would be useful to read it from my perspective, then please just let me know!
Good luck to you in your journey to becoming a journalist, i’m Sure you’ll get there! 🙂 xxx
HI Sassy,
you are an amazing person. being VI my self, I can relate to most of what you say. since many things are different here in India from UK, I love to read your blog. I’ve sent you an email, if you fancy reading it. 🙂
Khushi
Khushi,
Thanks so much for reading my blog, it’s pretty amazing to me that you are living in India and reading my ramblings; that blows me away.
I think lived experiences are interesting to hear from people in a similar position to us; it’s why I watch the youtubers and read the blogs that I do.
Thanks for sending me an email, apologies on the delay on gettting back to you! Xxx
I’ve been following you for around 24 years and never fail to be amazed by your strength, will and passion to do the best you can in everything you do despite what life throws at you. Stay strong and keep on educating and inspiring. Daddio xxx
Ahh Dad, aren’t you the sweetest!
Although your comment for following me for 24 years sounds a bit creepy and made me laugh out loud.
Thanks for always supporting me, love you xxx
Pingback: Travelling with a Health Issue or Disability | The Silver Nomad